There was this slut from Ohio named Amy.
He slept with her. That bothered me a little.
She’s fat and ugly. And that bothered me a lot. It still bothers me. In fact, it infuriates me.
I just feel that no beer goggles in the world could account for that. It broke my heart. I had seen her picture, but when two and two starting adding up to a visual I didn’t need, I snapped.
I am an attractive woman, but I thought to myself, literally, that I would die of shame. Suddenly I was not so confident. How could I live, knowing this? Was all my high maintenance for nothing? What did it mean?
It’s one thing to be cheated on with someone equally attractive, almost understandable if they are MORE attractive, but it’s a whole different thing to know my husband actually did it with a girl who looks a lot like Meatloaf in drag.
Turns out he WAS drunk and high and lonely, as if that helps.
And by the way, she was NICER THAN ME. That came out in an argument. And that hurt more than the thought of him slapping against her rolls of flesh and kissing her manly face. Nauseating.
She stalked him from afar for awhile. But it became like throwing a pebble in a pond, only to have it sink. He seems to truly hate her, and she gave him plenty of reasons. She has no real effect on us now.
It took her three years to figure out he isn’t leaving me. So there, bitch, I win.
But my fragile ego is still healing and I’m trying like hell to be sweet.
Tell me about it. I am no supermodel but I do ok and I had a guy leave me for a girl who was probably 2 1/2 times the size of me. That is what hurt. Turns out, he couldn’t have a girlfriend that looked better than his mom so now he has one just like her.
It does make you feel like crap knowing you’ve been making an effort and WHAM, some drag queen comes along and takes your man. I’m sure it’s his loss.
Funny you should make the mom comparison. I see that with my brother-in-law.
I went through something like this. More in a minute… but first… one of the most memorable (and relevant) Jay Leno lines….
This comes from when Prince Charles and Dianna split up and Charles showed up with Camilla Parker-Bowles.
“Charles is so stupid, he got it backwards. You are supposed to leave the old ugly one for the slender attractive blonde”.
Ok… back to the reply…
My ex ran off with what amounts to a Gargoyle. I don’t mean to exaggerate his ugliness… but I have a zit on my ass better looking than this guy.
Now, I am the last one to be objective on his looks. So take the betrayed husband out of the equation. No less than 6 close friends and family members said the same thing. I mean my ex’s friends and family.
Where I relate to your post is in that it leaves one wondering about themselves. Yet, if we “lost out” to someone we felt was more attractive, we would have a different set of hurts and insecurities to deal with I am sure.
But ya… the thoughts went through my mind that, “Hey… if you are going to run off with someone, at least make it worth your while”.
I suppose one concern that went through my mind … although momentarily… was, “Are he and I in the same league looks-wise”? Again, it was momentary. But it is pretty telling about what one of the hurts are. We are more than likely making a comparison that plays on our insecurity. We all have some measure of insecurity about our appearance. Most of it is not true I am sure.
Now, years after the fact… frankly it is funny. My ex married the guy. She sentanced herself to be in the presence of the guy. This was her choice and she will bear the outcome. So whatever.
I am very happily remarried to someone spectacular… in every way. Yes, she is very attractive and slender. But I have to be honest… it couldnt be just about that in order to be as good as things are. She is amazing. Smart, caring, understanding and a fabulous sense of humour. We laugh together a lot. We share values and perspectives. We love spending time together. We are aware of each others shortcomings and are patient with each other to the best of our abilities. I cant believe what I have in my relationship. And it is about so much more than appearances.
In time, the issue will probably fade for you. I know it has for me. And it used to be huge. Frankly… “he” (it) can have her.
Ciao.
Chaz
Glad your story had a happy ending … sounds like everyone got what they wanted. Self-doubt is never pretty no matter how it comes to our attention. Even though I would rather compare myself to someone and feel like I am the superior choice, of course. The competition with someone younger and prettier would have hurt MUCH worse I think. I can become a nicer person, she can’t become a hottie. HA!
Take care!
Sounds like you experienced the lesser of two evils.
Either way, betrayal sucks…. to put it mildly.
You’ve made it through this far. Good on you. Many wouldnt.
I was willing to work through the betrayal. Not saying it would have been easy or even possible. But to even attempt is very noble and will speak volumes about your character to your kids.
Am sure this does not take away the pain. I have simply found that there is value in ALL things. Even if they are grossly unjust and painful.
Ciao.
Chaz
I was in a similar affair, where the mistress did not look better than my wife. Turns out we had a lot of issues that were never talked about so I ventured off and had two children outside of our marriage. The other woman’s nice attitude is what attracted me more than anything. She wasn’t ugly, but she was not in the same league as the mrs. believe me I still hear about it all of the time and there is nothing I do more than kick myself about the divorce bills we have accumulated. After a year of separation, the grass was not greener on the other side and she had resentment towards me for being the other woman in the beginning. Our marriage has been repaired and we are happier than ever. Although, there are some spurts of anger here and there we have lots of fun and communicate a lot better. If you are interested in the entire story please check out my book http://www.amazon.com/How-Did-I-Get-Here/dp/0982556403
Yo Rev…. not far off the title of my post a few weeks ago…
http://yuppieaddict.wordpress.com/2009/09/20/and-you-may-ask-yourself-well-how-did-i-get-here/
Will take a look at your book on amazon.
Ciao.
Chaz
Glad to hear you are considering the read. It is one that actually goes into the thought process of how we are trapped and powerless when we get so deep into something that we never intended to go so far with; but did anyway.
The, “never intended to, but did it anyway” pattern seems to be common amongst alcoholics and addicts.
Somehow, something internal comples us to make choices that lead us to where we never wanted to or thought we would go.
Is this not what Paul wrote about when he said “the things I want to do, I dont want to do, I do” (paraphrased)?
To me, this is a manifestation of the self-deception so many of us live in. Thinking we are driving east when we are actually driving west. Especially if the last thing on earth we ever wanted was to drive west.
The speaks very loudly to me of the validity of the Law of Attraction. Referred to also in the Bible as “whatever a man thinks, so is he”. Somehow, that deep programmed belief or thought cycling draws “it” to us.
I know that the last thing I ever wanted to be was an alcoholic. My Dad is the most disgusting drunk and I never wanted to be anything like him. Well, I still became an alcoholic. I still made a series of tiny choices. Concsciously and subconsciously that added up to full-on alcoholism.
The amazing thing is that this is far from rare. It is commonplace. With us alcoholics, it is easy to spot. Our drunken state and unmanageability is quite conspicuous. Others are not so fortunate to have their self-destructive thinking and behaving be so conspicuous. Nor do they have networks of people such as AA standing by to help them. They go on suffering at the hand of their own behaviour and thinking. A perpetual prison of self-destruction. And they probably never intended any of this either.
Ciao.
Chaz
PS… lipstickhippiechic…. sorry about the hyjack of your post!
My dad was a man with many women and oftentimes were watching us as children when my mother had to work. I was always interested in how he pulled it off and vowed that I would never be anything like that. I heard the screams and the arguments all day and all night long. Nevertheless, I turned out the same way. I couldn’t believe that I was reliving his life and not realizing the ramifications! Yes the Scripture yu are referring to is in the book of Romans Chapter 7. I just pray that my children were able to take away the benefits from MY turnaround.
Rev…. I’ve wondered about this too in my situation.
Yes, I have modeled alcoholism to my kids in a similar way that my Dad did to me. And I picked it up against any wish or seeming inclination to do so.
So perhaps my kids may pick up a similar inclination…. who knows.
The good thing is that an important distinction with my Dad’s modeling and my modeling is that I have modeled sobriety and recovery over the past number of years. Who is to say that they won’t learn something equally but positively impacting from my turnaround. And ditto for your kids.
All we can do is our sincere best a day at a time. Sounds like you are.
Ciao.
Chaz